Racial Gaslighting within “Club B.I.P.O.C?”(Black Indigenous People of Color) + 9 Ways to Deal with Highly Manipulative People:

addressing our white and BIPOC counterparts who weaponize identity to prove points and maintain proximity to power + clout

Let’s talk about gaslighting between marginalized people: self-hate, dismissal of one another’s experiences, judging each other by who we date, unnecessary competition, allowing ourselves to be pitted against one another and patrolling of what it means to be our own personal identities. The BIPOC community stays divided; from classism, genetic breakdowns used to create invalid hierarchy, to the lack of addressing the intersectionality of anti-blackness across cultures and within varying context. When we choose not to support one another, we allow white supremacy led institutions and mediocre white allies to feel justified and entitled in their performative activism, refusal of accountability, slow progress and lukewarm efforts towards creating anti-racist environments. Have you experienced any of these statements:

1. “I get what you are saying, but I have experienced much worse.” The infamous “battles of oppression.” Validating another person’s experience does not change the reality of your own. Instead of judging one another’s mental and physical fortitude, try working collectively to unify and address all forms of oppression.
2. “I know that [white] person and they are my best friend, I can vouch that they would not do that.” Your positive experience with a person does not invalidate another person’s negative experience. This toxic behavior is a form of gaslighting and also makes your fellow BIPOC appear unreliable when you contest their reality both to their face and behind their back. Your best friend can be a decent person and also express prejudice against someone else. Your inability to believe your fellow BIPOC’s experience also gives white people permission to devalue the legitimacy of negative BIPOC experiences.
3. “It is important to note that they are a POC too.” Have you heard those lines during an invasive one on one conversation with a colleague or said friend? This comment is likely to come from a prejudiced, nice, white person who thinks they have “insider” information and sees marginalized groups of people as monoliths with no individual emotional identity. They may feel qualified to educate you on your personal experience due to their ‘unbiased’ deductive logic, exceptional morals and dedication to perceived neutrality through non confrontational diplomacy.
4. What about, “Yeah, so and so is a POC and they haven’t experienced any incidents of prejudice like you so…” Ouch! That passive aggressive statement usually comes after you finally get the nerve to call out some form of abusive behavior to an actual person rather than as a voice memo or diary entry to yourself.
5. Or the classic, “You know, I am a POC too, and that hasn’t been my experience,” this can come from a detached BIPOC person who relates to their “minority identity” by superficially bonding through oppressive experiences with fellow BIPOC behind closed doors, but publicly negating the existence of said experiences whenever it does not suit their pursuit of success in racist cultural systems.

The responses above are typically subtle, insidious forms of psychological abuse and manipulation of power used to reject your reality and reinforce their lived perception. Basic gaslighting can be used to negate and disempower one another and in doing so we give the green light for white, performative activists to follow suit. It’s easier to make excuses for people you care about rather than hold them accountable; however, over time you may feel detached from your authentic self. Do you ever find your impulse wanting to say: “Well, my friends are nice and are trying — they did not realize their harm.”

Accountability can be hard but we need to stop allowing willful, seemingly innocence ignorance to blind our instinct to speak up. When we avoid confrontations, we convince ourselves and others into thinking our adult friends, colleagues and significant others do not realize when they are choosing to negate the reality of our existence. If you truly aren’t sure, call them out and observe the sincerity of their actions hence forward. We all have the capacity to gaslight one another; however, true solidarity asks us to call one another’s behavior out. Focus on the issue and the toxic behaviors over targeting the person themselves. As at the end of a lot of these conversations there is a lot of mess and no resolve. When call outs focus on the person — the issue is lost and the focus is on the person/organization. Ultimately, the people who are actually vulnerable in said issue are not actually supported or heard, instead the loudest ego in the room is.

Unfortunately, BIPOC often imitate the negative behavior seen in white supremacy culture or oppressive colonial systems in order to maximize their proximity to power and success. This quote, taken from Pedagogy of the Oppressed by Paulo Freire explains:

“ The oppressed, having internalized the image of the oppressor and adopted [their] guidelines, are fearful of freedom. Freedom would require them to eject this image and replace it with autonomy and responsibility.”

What is at first imitation, can quickly becomes ones’ identity — especially when they begin to reap external recognition and material comfort. Self hate is both a conscious and unconscious behavior. This behavior can trigger BIPOC to desire power and clout as way of avoiding their lack of self esteem. This denial of self reflection can create a toxic prejudicial behavior identified as, aversive racism. Aversive racism addresses the complex battle of one who is in denial of personal prejudice and unconscious negative feelings and beliefs, whilst maintaining oppressive actions, unfavorable perceptions, and expectations. BIPOC who possess self hate, aversive racism, and low self esteem are often applauded by their white counterparts because their fear of failure allows them to uphold white supremacy while creating an environment that looks diverse — also known as tokenism. Marginalized people who resist and speak out against marginalized people who desire to uphold white supremacy are likely to experience gaslighting, manipulation and betrayal at the hands of their own because they refuse to praise and imitate the role of the oppressor.

Gaslighting is an indispensable tool for BIPOC who want to maintain power in a superficially inclusive, tokenizing white supremacy culture environment. Gaslighters could also be described as master manipulators — most of their actions are aimed at getting something they want and establishing an upper hand. Master manipulators are often likeable, social people, who will work hard to earn your trust, confide in you, and evoke the need for your support through self victimization. On the flip side they also may have an exaggerated sense of self, low self esteem, a lack of self identity, self hate, and a constant need to pander power and want more control. On top of this, they have biases like all of us; however, unlike others, they weaponize their biases to get what they want and can feel justified in doing so. These characteristics are similar to the BIPOC who has not dealt with their racialized prejudices.

When race is stripped from this article, we are left with a conversation about gaslighting and master manipulation. Gaslighting is “a form of psychological abuse where a person or group makes someone question their sanity, perception of reality, or memories…it often occurs in relationships where there is an imbalance of power.” Racialized gaslighting “ensures racial accusations lose their credibility” and has been defined as,

“…the political, social, economic and cultural process that perpetuates and normalizes a white supremacist reality through pathologizing those who resist.”

Basically, people who make you doubt your experiences to elevate themselves, avoid accountability, maintain power + control and avoid disruption of the status quo that is positively serving them. Catch the next article for examples of gaslighting and racialized gaslighting within toxic workplaces.

Here are some basic signs to watch out for in a gaslighter + master manipulator that should alarm you to consider taking action to [self] A.D.V.O.C.A.T.E and exit the situation:

Avoid accountability: they refuse accountability + responsibility by reversing the guilt and responsibility back onto you.

Deny + Divert: they deny your perception when it does not positively benefit their image + divert the focus of a conversation when it asks for their accountability

Validate their own concerns and invalidate the concerns of others: they imply your concerns are partly your own fault, that you are overreacting or confused

Omit information: they leave out facts and context depending on who they are talking to or when it is convenient for them, but press others for more information

Charm and nurture trust quickly: they establish strong personal relationships and allies at accelerated rates with many people

Apologize without changing behavior: they make you feel supported, but act surprised when confronted for their lack of follow thru and tend to rationalize their mistakes

Turn people against one another: they spread rumors, gossip, and create havoc between people with decent relationships against each other.

Easily tell lies: they tell lies and take truths out of context and withhold information — it is important that they control how you and the public perceives situations.

Dealing with a gaslighter/highly manipulative person is difficult, here are 9 ways to help you get started:

1. Make clear personal boundaries and enforce them consistently.
2. Deduce if others are having a similar experience without making accusations, a master manipulator/gaslighter can only maintain power with permission and support. Having the support of multiple people who can verify the gravity of the situation can be fortifying.
3. Collect evidence: record conversations and confirm verbal interactions in written form, save emails and texts, cards, gifts, videos, use timestamps when necessary, save any hard evidence you can to reinforce facts and your experience. Manipulative people rely on you not remembering or in their ability to create doubt in your lived experience.
4. Do not be emotionally swayed by excessive praise or passive aggressive behavior, manipulators prey on confusion.
5. Refuse to gossip with them, keep your conversations professional/formal but do not reveal personal or confidential information to them — it will likely be used against you and shared with others.
6. Do not emotionally cave into their guilt trips, self victimization or lies — they are meant to emotionally destabilize you, demolish your self esteem and doubt your instinct + sanity.
7. Get support: tell someone you trust how you feel, and become comfortable telling your truth without covering up for other people’s negative actions.
8. Never treat a gaslighter or highly manipulative person as your ally. If you call out manipulative behaviors, or ask for their support to change a difficult situation they will try to turn you back into their ally by pacifying you in the following ways: denying the original problem, agreeing to the presented issues and seducing you your ego to solve the problem, appealing to your desires, wishes or values to solidify your loyalty.
9. Trust yourself and use your instinct!

Works Cited:

1. “Showing Up for Racial Justice: White Supremacy Culture.” Showing Up for Racial Justice. 19 February 2021. <https://www.showingupforracialjustice.org/white-supremacy-culture.html>
2. “Internalized Racism vs Aversive Racism: How to avoid both.” Diversity for Social Impact. 19 February 2021. <https://diversity.social/internalized-aversive-racism/#0-introduction>
3. “Warning: Master Manipulators at Work! Here’s How to Diffuse Them.” Listening Partnership. 02 January 2021. <https://www.listeningpartnership.com/insight/master-manipulator/>
4. Morris, Natalie. “What is ‘racial gaslighting’ — and why is it so damaging for people of colour?” MetroUK. 18 Jun 2020. 02 January 2021.<https://metro.co.uk/2020/06/18/what-racial-gaslighting-why-damaging-people-colour-12866409/?ito=cbshare>
5. Medically reviewed by White, Marney PhD, MS. Written by Huizen, Jennifer. 14 July 2020. “What is Gaslighting?” Medical News Today. 02 January 2021.<https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/gaslighting#summary>
6. Davis, Angelique M. and Ernst, Rose(2019).“Racial gaslighting: Politics, Groups, and Identities 7:4, 761–774,” DOI: 10.1080/21565503.2017.1403934. 02 January 2021. <https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/21565503.2017.1403934?journalCode=rpgi20>