Affirmations for Those Who Have Experienced a Toxic Workplace or Environment:

Affirmation #1: Your Truth — Unexaggerated is Enough

an ongoing series of validating articles for those who have moved on from or are experiencing toxic spaces

Your truth is enough: when you are asked to explain what happened to you in a toxic situation, never feel the need to perform your lived experience to garner belief or support. The raw facts and genuine emotion of your lived experience is enough to attract the people who will support your best interests and well being.

Let’s study this example, if you say:

Someone stole my bike, I feel upset about it because it was my main mode of transportation and the bike itself is a sentimental gift from my granddad..

versus

I don’t know who stole my bike but they have it out for me and probably stole something else of mine that I don’t even know about…I bet they are trashing it, they have no morals…

The bottom line is that your bike is stolen and that fact alone is enough to display the wrongdoing, with no exaggeration needed. The “I” statement in the first example is a genuine claim to how you feel about the situation. “I feel…” statements and general “I” statements give you self agency and are yours to own. They allow you to take power over your narrative, thoughts, emotions, actions and of course, your feelings. As explained by Dr. Tatianna Astray, trained Educator, Researcher and Negotiation Expert:

“I-statements”, [allow you to take] responsibility for how you feel, think and need. These statements require that you understand your needs and preferences, confidently explain the situation from your perspective, and make an action-oriented request.”

In the second retelling you claim that the person who stole your bike has something personal against you, no morals and is ruining your property. However, according to your statement, you do not know or have information about who stole your bike nor why. If you suspect these assertions to be true then you would need to back up your claims with documented, tangible evidence. This should go without saying, but taking evidence out of context to prove a singular point is a form of exaggerating aka lying and manipulation — do not do it! Try to frame your perspective with “I feel” statements or as a judgement and/or story from your point of view. Your perspective is valid but may or may not reflect the reality of the situation. Dr. Tatianna Astray states:

“…take responsibility for the judgments that you make about other people and situations by being willing to share and scrutinize them… acknowledge that while you may feel a certain way (which is valid in its own right), you may also be misreading the situation and making an erroneous assumption about the other’s action… If you honestly state what you think is happening for you, this invites [one] to understand your perspective and speak to any misunderstandings.”

A loose comment made with no factual assertions or noted patterns will cause people to put less weight in your words and attract people who will ultimately provide weak, ego oriented support.

Toxic Environments Can Birth Unhealthy Survival Habits in Ourselves….

Self victimization or exaggeration of your circumstance to gain attention, pity, avert criticism, avoid accountability etc. is a potential trauma response due to not being supported or having your perspective mitigated in the past when you have tried to share your concerns, emotions and needs. As a result, you may learn and utilize the same unhealthy manipulative behaviors that caused yourself pain as survival or coping skills to help you maneuver, be heard, be shallowly validated and survive in toxic environments. This behavior will also not attract honest support but instead attract people who want to appease you, maintain access to you or use your pain to boost their moral ego.

Learn to Self Validate Your Lived Experience…

Take action to verify your lived experience with tangible evidence that can point to patterns, reveal behaviors and inconsistencies. This action is first and foremost for yourself. When you share your story you will have those who believe you, those who inject doubt and those who simply will call you a liar. When you take physical actions to corroborate your lived reality, you will feel more confident as you deal with doubters, be more consistent when you tell your story to numerous people and be better able to assert what support you need.

Tangible evidence can look like emails, text messages, recorded conversations, self documentation (written or recorded) of a traumatic or unprofessional experience/event, eye witnesses, performance reports (or the lack of), time stamps, contracts (or the lack of), photos, letters, gifts, etc. Again, remember not to take evidence out of context to prove a singular point — it is a form of exaggerating aka lying and manipulation and your word will carry less weight. Try to lean on the facts when you initially begin to share your experience and save the weighted emotions for when YOU choose and want to share them.

Unfortunately, you are going to receive lukewarm support no matter how you tell your story. But, exaggerating your personal experience will attract a larger amount of fickle support that will ultimately prove to be ineffective. At best you will emote pity from those who care little about your well being, but more so about reinforcing their ego. Those who care about you or who simply respect your basic humanity will only need to hear the raw facts of your experience to jump into action and assure you are supported as you need.

Expect Backlash When AssertingYour Lived Experience…

Do not share your truth in hopes or with the desire to receive outside validation from others: more than likely you will be disappointed. People are not necessarily attracted to the truth but instead to the narrative that best suits the comfort of their ego. Validate your lived experience for yourself! Be prepared for your evidence, narrative, feelings etc. to be used against you. Have you ever heard the idea that the best defense is presented in the victim’s case? That is because a spectator or the person/organization being held accountable can simply pick away at the facts and narrative presented and fill in the holes in the way that best suits their agendas. It will initially be hard, and sometimes your ego will get the best of you but DO NOT WORRY OR RESPOND TO THIS BEHAVIOR. You cannot prevent or control others reactions: how a person or organization chooses to manipulate your fact, reasoning or lived experience — is not your business, but it is on their consciousness or perhaps lack of.

Secondly, be prepared to be told that you, in fact, are the holder of the ugly behavior you have called out, witnessed or shared with another person. Toxic people often tend to be manipulative and the reason they thrive is because they nest their ego in places and with people that support ongoing harmful behaviors. As a result, if you decide to say something about your toxic experience be prepared for backlash from bruised egos in the form of invalidation, high level of judgment, character defamation, false compassion, etc

One last time: your truth is absolutely 100% enough. Never feel the need to perform a relived version of your trauma, exaggerate your emotions or be hyperbolic in an effort to get other people to FEEL, RELATE and SUPPORT you. If you have gathered your evidence, walked in the power of your “I statements”, possibly sought professional legal help and/or therapy, found a way to healthily cope, sought advice from elders and surrounded yourself with those who have your best interest at heart: you will overcome the second guessing and the hurt of this process will be lessened or at best may not even disturb you as you grow more empowered.

You are not living your best life when you have to convince people to be actively compassionate and support you. Instead, you are voluntarily staying emotionally stunted and reliving your toxic experience in hopes that others will believe you enough to care and do something to support you. As a result you will attract weak willed pity. Tell your truth and attract the genuine support you need, with the most important pillar of support coming from YOURSELF.

As the great writer, activist, educator and librarian Audre Lorde wisely wrote:

“What’s the worst that could happen to me if I tell this truth?…Then push yourself a little further than you dare. Once you start to speak, people will yell at you. They will interrupt you, put you down and suggest it’s personal. And the world won’t end.

And the speaking will get easier and easier. And you will find you have fallen in love with your own vision, which you may never have realized you had. And you will lose some friends and lovers, and realize you don’t miss them. And new ones will find you and cherish you. And you will still flirt and paint your nails, dress up and party, because, as I think Emma Goldman said, “If I can’t dance, I don’t want to be part of your revolution.” And at last you’ll know with surpassing certainty that only one thing is more frightening than speaking your truth. And that is not speaking.”

You got this.

DISCLAIMER: I am not a medical professional. The information in this article is for educational purposes only, and does not substitute for professional medical advice. Consult a medical professional or healthcare provider if you are seeking medical advice, diagnoses, or treatment. I am not liable for risks or issues associated with using or acting upon the information in this article.

1. Jacobson, Sheri. “A Victim Mentality — What it Is and Why You Use it.” Harley Therapy Counseling Blog. 6 April 2016 <https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/victim-mentality.htm> Retrieved 26 January 26 2022.
2. Astray, Dr. Tatiana. “ Communication Tools: Using “I-Statements” When Making Requests in Relationships.” Tatiana Astray. 20 February 2020. <http://www.tatianaastray.com/managing-relationships/2020/2/10/communication-tool-using-i-statements-to-make-requests-in-relationships> Retrieved 26 January 26 2022.