9 Ways to Deal with Gaslighting and Highly Manipulative People:

a few ways to begin the process of dealing with people who use others to amass control, power and clout

Ever met someone who feels like they could be a lifelong friend, potential lover or best business partner ever — only to realize you have been played on and preyed on! It happens to the best of us, and after a few personal experiences I am grateful to be able to share what I have learned.

Dealing with gaslighters or highly manipulative people can be difficult because it is not something that is not always clear or easy to explain to others, here are 8 ways to help you get started:

1. Make clear personal boundaries: enforce them consistently.
2. Deduce if others are having a similar experience without making accusations: a master manipulator/gaslighter can only maintain power with permission and support. Having the support of multiple people who can verify the gravity of the situation can be fortifying.
3. Collect evidence: record conversations and confirm verbal interactions in written form, save emails and texts, cards, gifts, videos, use timestamps when necessary, save any hard evidence you can to reinforce facts and your experience. Manipulative people rely on you not remembering or in their ability to create doubt in your lived experience.
4. Do not be emotionally swayed by excessive praise or passive aggressive behavior, manipulators prey on confusion.
5. Refuse to gossip with them: keep your conversations professional/formal but do not reveal personal or confidential information to them — it will likely be used against you and shared with others.
6. Do not emotionally cave into their guilt trips, self victimization or lies: they are meant to emotionally destabilize you, demolish your self esteem and doubt your instinct + sanity.
7. Get support: tell someone you trust how you feel, and become comfortable telling your lived experience without covering up for other people’s negative actions.
8. Never treat a gaslighter or highly manipulative person as your ally. If you call out manipulative behaviors, or ask for their support to change a difficult situation they will try to turn you back into their ally by pacifying you in the following ways: denying the original problem, agreeing to the presented issues and seducing you to fix the problem, appealing to your desires, wishes or values to solidify your loyalty.
9. Trust yourself and use your instinct!

Remember there is nothing to fear except becoming the very bully that is creating havoc in your life, and perhaps the lives of others. What you are experiencing is real and becoming your own best advocate is a huge growth process — but you got this!

Works Cited:

1. Dominee 2020, digital illustration by Dominee, BlessingsManifesting, accessed 8 January 2021, <https://www.blessingmanifesting.com/2019/11/gaslighting-the-after-effects.html/>
2. “Warning: Master Manipulators at Work! Here’s How to Diffuse Them.” Listening Partnership. 02 January 2021. <https://www.listeningpartnership.com/insight/master-manipulator/>
3. Morris, Natalie. “What is ‘racial gaslighting’ — and why is it so damaging for people of colour?” MetroUK. 18 Jun 2020. 02 January 2021.<https://metro.co.uk/2020/06/18/what-racial-gaslighting-why-damaging-people-colour-12866409/?ito=cbshare>
4. Medically reviewed by White, Marney PhD, MS. Written by Huizen, Jennifer. 14 July 2020. “What is Gaslighting?” Medical News Today. 02 January 2021.<https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/gaslighting#summary>
5. Davis, Angelique M. and Ernst, Rose(2019).“Racial gaslighting: Politics, Groups, and Identities 7:4, 761–774,” DOI: 10.1080/21565503.2017.1403934. 02 January 2021. <https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/21565503.2017.1403934?journalCode=rpgi20>